Summarize the Galactic Federation of Light?

50 billion years ago a galactic tyrant named Xenu tied all his political enemies to volcanoes on Earth and blew them up with atom bombs. These "Thetans" are the cause of all of your anxieties about the future and for a nominal fee I can help you help me to get these Thetans out of you soul. Cut of all contact with your Uncle. He sounds a bit supressive.